Posts Tagged ‘good’

Exclusive eHarmony commercial for The Lance: saving the world one couple at a time.

So far I have that I invented the internet, am still a virgin waiting on the right one, and I beat Bill Gates at a chess match.

ie. Lavalife

not lavalife please i dont want to look despret eather lol

I’m looking for a good online dating website. E-harmony is too expensive (with too few matches). Has anyone tried www.plentyoffish.com? It’s free, but what about the quality of dates?

Also are they now totally free? I am thinking of joining but I want to know if they are trustworthy because I read that they don’t do background checks.

Catherine’s mates, ducks, I love life and life is good. Love love to you all x

Note: I know this is long but can you at least read a couple of paragraphs just to give me a decent critique.

Chapter One:

“Congratulations on your victory Fabian!”
Fabian. What kind of name is that? It sounded like something out of a cheesy harlequin novel. Yet all the girls couldn’t see to get it out of their minds. “Oh Fabian!” “Oh Fabian” Oh give me a break! He wasn’t that amazing and I should be the one to know.
I was his Personal Assistant…minus the “istant” part which translates into Personal A$$. Working for him was worse than any punishment they could ever give me in a courthouse. I would quit but it was a way to get into the lucrative business of Knighting. I wanted to be one more than anything else. I wanted it all.
The fame. The glory. The honor. None of which I currently had. Fame? Well I was infamous….if that counts. I was known as the notorious “Town Clown”. Cool nickname? Not really, but it seemed to be catchy to other kids in town who liked to remind me of the time when a male sheep dog tried to mate with me.
Glory? I only had the glory of being the winner of the pie eating contest at the fair. And honor? Not a drop. Honor was stripped away from me before I was born when my father was caught in a “traitorous plot” to overthrough the king. He left some time after my birth due to the fact that the whole town turned on him. Since then I’ve been known as the son of a “traitor”.
Well, the thing I wanted more from Knighting than anything else was the girls. Yeah, I know you’re probably thinking “Why Girls?”. Well if you’re anything like me and you’ve never had a girl even look at you (excluding mothers, sisters, and other female relatives), then you probably want one.
My first and only crush was Princess Carnella but my first encounter with her made a very bad impression. I was with Fatty (one of my many terms for Fabian) one day when he was invited to the palace after defeating some dragon, troll, or whatever. We were about to meet the royal family and some weird, servant lady runs to me and tells me to hold her baby while she uses the bathroom. And I know your thinking “What the hell?” and trust me, so was I.
So I was holding the….thing and I noticed a peculiar smell. It was the smell of rotten eggs and garlic. I automatically assumed the baby had soiled itself so out of my sheer boyish curiosity (I was fifteen at the time), I leaned in closer to sniff it. There was silence and I looked up to realize everyone in the room was staring at me while I had my nose inches away from this baby’s rear.
The princess was pointing a finger at me and had a disgusted look on her face. “Answer me! I said what are you doing?” I opened my mouth trying to get an explanation out but my words were caught because one, I was dumbfounded by her royal hotness, and two, I was caught in a bad moment. “Were you sniffing that baby’s butt?”
“Um…uh…wa-wa-well um…see what had happened was…”
“Guards! Take this sick boy out of our castle!”
Two troll-looking guys come over and throw me–I mean literally throw me– out of the castle. They didn’t even give me the right to walk. So now the lust of my life thought I was a baby sniffer, and I had another thing to add to my “Town Clown” reputation. Oh, goodie!
That was my only encounter with a girl besides the screaming twelve year olds who only talk to me to ask “Do you think you could get me an autograph with Fabian?” Um…let me think…NO!!! I actually challenged myself to a game one day where I took a sip of brandy every time someone asked me that. And incase you were wondering… I was drunk within the hour.
So today I was going to be rid of Fabian. The dagger in my existence. The dear Princess Carnella was kidnapped by some sorceror and was locked in a tower guarded by some dragon thing. A strong knight would be the one to “rescue her from her misery”. He had to be brave, daring, and pretty much everything that didn’t describe me. This was Fabian’s kind of thing. The slaying monsters, conquering villains, getting the girl…all of that described him.
He would have been well on his way to saving her but the King wanted to ask the Wise Mirror who it should be to make sure she could get the best saving the world could offer. This annoyed Fabian but didn’t faze him much. He already knew he’d be chosen. His prize would be the princess’ hand in marriage. Something I could only dream about. I was jealous and happy at the same time because although I wish it could be me, at least I would now be the Ass-istant to royalty.
I daydreamed about the lofty job of working in the castle. That would be great on my application to Knight School. Fabian the Fabulous wouldn’t be so great without me, Derek “Town Clown” Rogers.
Fabian walked towards me with that unforgetable smugness on his face. “Dejay?”
“It’s Derek!” I clenched my fists. Could he ever get my name right?
“Whatever. Can we talk privately?” My eyes narrowed. He never made an effort to talk to me
He never made an effort to talk to me unless he needed me to clean something or feed that beast he calls a horse.
“What?”
“Well after they announce me as the one who will courageously save the princess and win her delicate heart…” I rolled my eyes. “…I think that we should move on. I want to do this quest alone.”
“Oh. Ok well I wasn’t planning on going anyway. I was just going to resume my job after you came back.”
“Um…you’re not getting what I’m saying. I mean that today will be your last day as my assistant.”
“What?” My mouth fell open. What was he saying? No more royal job. No more entry into Knight School. No more knighting?
“Well don’t take it personally Dustin. It’s not like I haven’t enjoyed the last two years–”
“Six years!”
“–with you but after I become prince, I’ll have royal people to do your job. You’re young. You still have many years left to do things. I mean your only sixteen.”
“I’m NINETEEN!”
“Really? I swore you were younger. Anyways, just enjoy this last day. You got a job millions would die for.” Or die doing. “At least you got to work for the Fabian the Great. Now the Wise Mirror is about to announce me—I mean the brave soul who will save the princess.” He was still trying to act modest although he had recieved numerous “congrats” and “good luck”. “We’re about to enter the town square so follow along and…well you know the drill.”
“Whatever you say Fetus.”
“What you just ca–” I walked out of the horse stable and went to find my ride. My ride being and old, haggard donkey. I guess Fattian thought I should have a ride that matched my profession of ass-istant.
I mounted my noble…well, nasty stead and waited for Fatback to come out. I didn’t have to wait long for him to come out, followed by his flag bearers that displayed his code of arms. Then I followed behind on my dusty donkey.
We rode through the town with cheers for him and jaunts for me.
“Derek Rogers went to town! Riding on a don-key! We got close to him and sa-id, ‘He smells really fun-ky’!” Catchy isn’t it? I think…not. The crowd then erupted in laughter and “Town Clown! Town Clown!”
We arrived in the town square where the Wise Mirror was hanging on the castle wall, displayed for everyone to see. No one was allowed to ask it any questions except the royal family who owned it. The king and his officials were standing on a platform. Fetus decided to place us by the platform so he could be close by when he gave his acceptance speech. I had already overheard him practicing it in the bathroom….when I desperately needed to use it.
The king stepped up to the podium. “Dear loyal citizens of Alpurnia! We have ourselves a great problem…” Oh boy. I could tell this was going to be long. He babbled on for ten minutes over the princess’ kidnapping and what the soon-to-be hero must do, with the crowd murmuring comments every now and then.
“Derek Rogers went to town! Riding on a don-key! We got close to him and sa-id, ‘He smells really fun-ky’!” Catchy isn’t it? I think…not. The crowd then erupted in laughter and “Town Clown! Town Clown!”
We arrived in the town square where the Wise Mirror was hanging on the castle wall, displayed for everyone to see. No one was allowed to ask it any questions except the royal family who owned it. The king and his officials were standing on a platform. Fetus decided to place us by the platform so he could be close by when he gave his acceptance speech. I had already overheard him practicing it in the bathroom….when I desperately needed to use it.
The king stepped up to the podium. “Dear loyal citizens of Alpurnia! We have ourselves a great problem…” Oh boy. I could tell this was going to be long. He babbled on for ten minutes over the princess’ kidnapping and what the soon-to-be hero must do, with the crowd murmuring comments every now and then.
I fumed silently over my the muder of my dreams. When I heard the crowd roar I knew it was time to announce the winner. I didn’t know why they were so excited. They already knew who the winner was.
“Oh Mirror”, the king called. “We need an answer to a question.” The mirror awoke from it’s dormant state. The face inside it was that of a white opera mask.
“What is it that you need answering? Oh yes, remeber that it’s only one question per person per century. Get it? Got it? Good. Now what is your question?”
“Oh Wise Mirror. Who shall be the one to save our dear princess?” The crowd was instantly silent.
“Sorry. Doesn’t ryhme. Violation 392. Question invalid.”
“What!? Question invalid? Because it didn’t ryhme!?” The mirror rolled it’s head which was I guess it’s way of rolling it’s eyes.
“Can’t answer. One question per person per century.” The king fumed. He faced the crowd who stood flabbergasted.
“Does anybody have a ryhme?”
“I got one!”
The whole crowd turned to see Ryan the town rapper. “Okay. Yo okay check this, check this.” He needed to check out. Ryan had come up with the the “Derek Rogers went to town…” jingle that everyone loved so much. I personally despised him. “Okay. Mirror mirror on the wall, Who will save the princess for us all?” He yelled proudly. The king spoke with his advisors.
“Sure! Get up here!” The crowd moved so he pass and he made his way to center stage. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
“Mirror Mirror on the wall, who will save the princess for us all?” The crowd silenced again and listened intently to hear the mirror.
“Hmmmm….question….valid.” The audience cheered and Ryan bowed.
“By the way you should address me as Wise Mirror. Otherwise I sound like a cheap thriftstore hanging. Anyways to answer your question I will tell you that the person will be strong, daring, and undefeatable.” The crowd murmured in agreement.
“He will slay the dragon, defeat the sorceror, and save the princess…” No duh, I muttered.
“The hero will be…”
“It’s the eye of the tiger, its the cream of the fight! Risin up to the challenge of our rivals. And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger.” I immediately recognized the song as the ringer to my cell phone. I hurried to pick it up but my the crowd was already glaring at me.
“My bad!” I yelled to the crowd. From their looks I could tell they weren’t buying it and would probably have me burned at the stake later. I saw that it was my friend Felix from the neighboring country.We met on one of my trips with Fatback and were friends ever since…although I would kill him if he was in reach. I quickly hung up and turned off my phone.
“Are there any more interruptions? Good? Now like I was saying before I was rudely interupted…” The Mirror turned it’s head towards me.
Someone screamed out “LOSER!” and then I felt something smack me in my face, knocking me off my donkey. I opened one eye to see the remnants of an apple on the ground. The other was shut tight and I ran my fingertips over my now puffy eye. I knew that was going to look nasty. Great! Just my luck! And who in the world carried apples around anyways…
I heard the mirror say, “And the hero is…” but couldn’t hear the name from the ground. What I did hear was gasps and shouts. I picked myself off the ground and saw from my one eye that the whole crowd was staring in my direction. I looked over at Fabian thinking maybe they were staring at him but he was back at me with a confused look. What did I do now?
“It’s you?” The king said. His upper lip pulled up like he had just smelled that baby I held many years ago. “You’re the one who will save my…daughter…our princess.”
I laughed heavily. “Are you serious?! Wait, wait….am I on one of those hidden camera shows?
Someone screamed out “LOSER!” and then I felt something smack me in my face, knocking me off my donkey. I opened one eye to see the remnants of an apple on the ground. The other was shut tight and I ran my fingertips over my now puffy eye. I knew that was going to look nasty. Great! Just my luck! And who in the world carried apples around anyways…
I heard the mirror say, “And the hero is…” but couldn’t hear the name from the ground. What I did hear was gasps and shouts. I picked myself off the ground and saw from my one eye that the whole crowd was staring in my direction. I looked over at Fabian thinking maybe they were staring at him but he was back at me with a confused look. What did I do now?
“It’s you?” The king said. His upper lip pulled up like he had just smelled that baby I held many years ago. “You’re the one who will save my…daughter…our princess.”
I laughed heavily. “Are you serious?! Wait, wait….am I on one of those hidden camera shows?
And the host comes out and says ‘Gotcha!’ or some other catch phrase, right?….Right? I have to admit this one is elaborate!” The crowd didn’t answer me. Only stared.
“This isn’t a joke Derek!” He screamed. His face was turning red with…fury? “You’re going to be the one who rescues my daughter! You’re going to be the…hero.” He seemed to struggle with that last word. As if it wasn’t even capable of having my name in the same sentence with the word. “Well, I think you should give a speech.”
“Speech?!?!” I nearly choked on the word. Public speaking was in no way near my best quality. I could handle a couple dozen but a couple thousand? That was something that equaled embarrasing for me. I mean what would I tell them? What could I tell them? That answer I would have to make up in the next…hmmm….thirty seconds!
I didn’t even know what to say! The hero would be “strong, daring, and undefeatable”. Ha! None of those things were me!
I mean there were many problems with the whole thing. Including the fact that I had the same muscle build as a ten year old, the reflexes of a sloth, the courage of a coward, the princess thought I was a pedophile, the guys were questioning if I was into homo-beastiality, and the whole town hated my guts! Um….doesn’t sound like a hero to me. I mean I wanted to be a knight but not now. I had no training, no skills, and I even wondered if I fully went through puberty! I mean how the hell was I, Derek “Town Clown” Rogers, supposed to be a hero?
Thanks Clement! I’ll add more detail but I was just trying to get the creative juices out but I”ll be sure to go back and revise. Thanks for actually reading and replying.

I was looking to see whats a good free online websites for dating people. And i came cross this website called lavalife.com.

Anyone knows if its safe to use?

What are some good first communications after guided communication is complete on eharmony? I never know what to say at this point. Specific examples of what to say are preferred.